September! This month is seven years since that large white envelope arrived at my bedside table. It held my MRI results. I recall the insanely painful tingling in my entire body, even my tongue. My right eye was going blurry. The fatigue was crippling. The sharp pain running down my spine like an electric bolt kept jarring me. Yes, you guessed it! The MRI scan lit up like a Christmas tree. The lumbar puncture confirmed the diagnosis. I had just boarded the Multiple Sclerosis train. It’s unstoppable. It’s dangerous. It unleashes fear. It is set to full speed with no driver. The MS train is out of control.
My brain and spinal cord were riddled with lesions. The lesions were mainly in my cerebellum. The cerebellum is a part of the brain that plays a vital role in virtually all physical movement. This part of the brain helps a person drive, throw a ball, or walk across the room. The cerebellum also assists people with eye movement and vision. There was little hope I would walk again.
Initially, the train traveled through a dark, dark tunnel of pain and despair. I knew nothing about the condition and nobody else did either. The symptoms were relentless, painful, and downright gut-wrenching. Just when I thought I had reached rock bottom, depression came in through a door I didn’t know existed. The pain and depression rocked my marriage, my family and rattled me to my soul. I felt raw and exposed. There was nowhere to hide. I started to discover new things about myself. The condition forced me to come to terms with what I had denied for so long…that only I am responsible for the way I feel.
As I researched the power of food, pranayama breathing, visualization, and neuroplasticity, I realized that there is something deeper that I was missing. I had to find myself again. For the first time in my life, I had to put myself first. I have to learn to love myself again. I had forgotten how to do that. I had to own up to my weaknesses and celebrate my strengths. Writing my book was an extremely cathartic experience for me. I am learning to accept things the way they are now and not how I want them to be. I am accepting that my partner has a very different way of showing me his love and I am finally ok with that. I am learning to let go of wanting people to say sorry for hurting me in the past. It is what it is, and it’s over now. I am learning that only I am responsible for the joy in my life and I am ready to embrace the responsibility that comes with that realization.
I am learning that it is such a waste of time to be upset or angry with family or friends. The pain of MS is excruciating enough! I choose not to add any emotional pain to this mix. I am learning that the outside drama never ends and my response to this drama is in my hands. I actually can control my own thoughts and emotions and I need to do this in order to save myself. I am slowly learning that I am in control. I am in control of how I think and this impacts how I feel. Hence, I am also in control of how I feel. Having conscious control over these two things determines my state of happiness or sadness.
I am learning to let go of wanting others to treat me a certain way. I am learning to accept and embrace unconditional love from my children. I am appreciating the gift of having children who care so much. I am told that this is a rare gift that I should treasure with both hands. This multiple autoimmune syndrome has blessed me with the ability to finally be authentic. The journey to finding the real me has just begun. It’s so exhilarating just thinking about it. I am learning to say no to behaviour that hurts me. I am learning to say no to being taken for granted. I am learning to take responsibility for my healing instead of leaving it entirely up to the doctors. This requires discipline and effort. I make every effort to ensure that the food I eat is in line with my new way of healing. I see food as my medicine and I feel its healing hands. I am learning to respect the divine intelligence within every cell of my body. This intelligence makes energy and building blocks from the food we eat. We grow and thrive because of this intelligence. It is indeed absurd how we continue to ignore food as the first-line treatment for autoimmune diseases.
I am in awe of my determination to solve the MS riddle. Day after day I am buried deep in medical journal articles on the latest research on meditation, neuroplasticity, and autoimmune disease. I am also constantly hungry for new information hinting at the cause of MS. This diagnosis has opened up new passions in me. I find myself celebrating every new day. I feel gratitude for things I took for granted for a long time, for example saying thank you that I woke up this morning, saying thank you for the air we breathe, and so on. I am extremely grateful for the new MS family in my world. Speaking to fellow MS patients has inspired me to be even more diligent on this MS train ride.
The creative energy that permeates all, has guided me to tremendous insights on living with autoimmune disease. While doctors exclaim that my blood results and scans do not match my physical and mental demeanor and that I should prepare myself for life in a wheelchair; I am thriving. My lifestyle choices helped me to defy these limiting beliefs and got me walking, driving, and dancing again. My greatest asset on this MS journey is my ability to trust myself implicitly and to listen to my children with softness. The general consensus is that I am heading for a train wreck. The masses say that every day I am alive, I am edging closer and closer to the inevitable – a life of despair, disability, and mental hell. I beg to differ!
I believe that I am taking back control of this runaway MS train. It is incredibly tricky with many hidden traps. I am learning to drive the train. I am not quite there yet but I am getting better and better every day. Every day is a mystery as I journey forward with a happy heart knowing that the entire universe is conspiring to give me back my control and keep my health on track.